Kung Fool: On Parallel Thinking

Jun 03, 2023

The last will be first—except at a four-way stop. That, grasshoppers, is my one and only argument for the separation of church and state. I think it's mine anyway—as much as anything can be. In any event, the saying came to me as my friend Lorraine, (a known Catholic), parallel-parked her BMW in front of a Sikh Temple in Singapore City's Little India district—on a Sunday night. She always crosses herself, (sometimes twice), before driving in Little India on a Sunday night. And the parking space in question was right across the street from a Hindu temple. We were there to pick up her husband Shawn—at a nearby Buddhist meditation center—before then going to a weekly gathering of radical Atheists.

Okay, I made that last part up. We were going shopping.

But the point is that there are a lot of religious people in Singapore—including Atheists. And they all seemed to get along—except for possibly the Atheists. No one, at least as was my understanding, tried to make their religion first and foremost—except for possibly the Atheists. They used their respective religions to simply better themselves—with, of course, the possible exception of the Baptists.

I'll bet you thought I was going to say Atheists again didn't you?

And I wasn't a Baptist, or an Atheist, or a Shaolin monk for that matter. But as a kid I did watch a TV show about a Shaolin monk, who after some Shiite went down in his native China, fled to the Old West, the American Old West, to search for his half-brother, who no doubt, worked on the trans-continental railroad there. The monk's name was Kwai Chang Caine. And he wandered the American West in peace—at least until the producers of the show thought the scene needed a broken clavicle or two. Just before the violence, though, Caine would always have flashbacks to his training in the monastery, where his teacher—Master Po—would spew all kinds of wise sayings to his pupil. This helped Caine, (or "Grasshopper" as Master Po called him)… to kick some ass.

Caine was very inscrutable while kicking ass.

And that's how I thought everyone was in the Far East. But I'm somewhat naïve. I get all my esoteric knowledge from TV shows like Kung Fu.

But the show at least taught me how to look inscrutable. And I taught myself photography, taught myself photography in the American West, and even managed to forge a career in that field, one that eventually found me wandering the Far East being very "scrutable"—a reverse Kwai Chang Caine if you will, with no producers, thank Krishna. I like my clavicles unbroken.

And I searched not for my half-brother, but for inspiration and perspective. You see, during the long dues-paying period of becoming a professional nature photographer, the long, long, long, dues-paying period, I secretly wrote. In fact, I put more effort into my writing than my photography. I thought I was good too. And occasionally I'd get validation when I heard one of the "gags" I wrote being used on a first rate, first run, television program. It seems either the writers of The Simpsons stooped to my level, or I rose to theirs—an example of parallel thinking nonetheless. So I had to throw that particular "gag" out. No one would believe I didn't steal it. No big deal, though, I knew I could write more.

And I really needed to get away from TV, and my protective bubble of America. I needed to leave my comfort zone and grow.

So Singapore it was.

But how are you going to tell the people with whom you're staying in Singapore, who so graciously opened their home to you, a comfort zone of its own, (with bubble tea), that you are there to "practice life" a la Kwai Chang Caine.

Shawn, for instance, might offhandedly ask you what you are going to do that day.

Will you then tell him that you are going to "empty your mind?"

When Lorraine would later ask a similar question, would you then tell her that you are going to "meditate your every action?"

No. You tell them you are going shopping. Because that's what people do there—normal people anyway.

And "extreme shopping," of course, wasn't what I expected to experience upon my arrival in Singapore.

Instead of seeing wise men practicing Tai Chi on a rock in the river, I saw people drinking Chai tea in a trendy café along the Riverwalk (at a place called the River Wok). They all sat there reading the same self-help book too: Ten Spiritual Principles to Help You Gain Material Riches—or some variation on that title. Buddhist, Jedi, Hindu or Sikh—they all sought material wealth beyond their wildest dreams. Avarice seemed to be the only state-sponsored religion in Singapore.

Okay, there were exceptions. And before you think I'm being overly judgmental, I'm also not being totally forthright. I'm pandering to some extent—a foolish hypocrite pandering to those who might read this and still want to use some of their material wealth to buy my next book, (or to be a paid subscriber to this blog).

And as my empty mind filled up with thoughts of sore feet, (I'd been in the same spot, in the same subway "practicing life" by letting people go ahead of me and getting nowhere—for hours), when I finally relented by having a seat and putting in my ear buds.

And did I listen to recordings of Master Po spewing wisdom? No, I listened to the David Feldman Radio Podcast of all things. My favorite storyteller—we'll just call him Dylan Brody Stevens—was David's guest that day, and he was, of course, telling a story, a story about parallel thinking while parallel parking.

Okay, I made that last part up. But he was telling a story.

And in this story I heard a familiar word—a clever, made-up word—one that only Dylan Brody Stevens could make up. I take that back. I made that word up too—maybe twenty-five years ago—and put it in one of my own stories. In fact, I thought it was clever enough to have included it as a part of a running "gag" throughout my entire book. Sure, I could throw that particular word out, but then I'd have to basically throw out the entire book, a labor of love on which I'd been laboring for over two decades.

My heart sank. But I continued listening. And later, in that same podcast, David Feldman, (a known Jew), made a joke, a joke quite coincidentally, I might add, about the actor who played Kwai Chang Caine in the TV series Kung Fu—an actor by the name of David Carradine. It had something to do with his having died, (in a neighboring Asian country by the way)—of autoerotic asphyxiation. The joke, while funny I'm sure, had nothing to do with "gags" or gag writing, or gag-reflexes—(even though it really should have). But it was the coincidence of it all that spurred me forward.

And after I once again emptied my mind (mainly of autoerotic asphyxiation thoughts), I walked—with great purpose now—to my cushy place at Shawn and Lorraine's flat, where their high-speed, highly-materialistic internet would allow me to research all of Master Po's wise sayings in hopes that one of them would help me with my perceived dilemma.

And this is what I found:

"The answer lies within you 'Grasshopper.'"

It didn't help me at all. But I was right there—at my laptop—so I started writing this very story.

And as a longtime freelance author, one of the questions I'd most frequently get is: Yeah, but have you sold any of your writing?

This then, would often lead to a spirited debate and the eventual follow-up question-of-semantics. And being a staunch antisemantic, (a word Dylan Brody Stevens and I both thought of), I would often then change the subject.

"Who goes first at a twelve-way stop in Little India?" I asked Shawn, who was driving me around Little India that week.

"The first will be first," he said while crossing himself—twice.

That made sense, I thought, before then thinking some more. And what I thought about most was all the different religions and how their founders—transcendental figures in different parts of the world—who at different times in history, all had at least some parallel thinking going on with each other. I further thought about how their teachings had been corrupted and modified and rationalized in order to help those who couldn't live up to them sleep at night.

But then again I probably think too much. We weren't on our way to church, we were on our way to go shopping. And this particular Kung Fool needed to buy some sleeping pills